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The Edit Alaverdyan Podcast
Welcome to "The Edit Alaverdyan Podcast," the podcast where insightful conversations unfold, and the depth of the human mind is explored. In each episode, I sit down with a diverse range of individuals—thinkers, innovators, and captivating personalities—who share their unique insights and experiences. Together, we embark on a journey of discovery, unraveling the complexities of the human psyche and uncovering the untold truths that influence our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
The Edit Alaverdyan Podcast
Rabbi Manis Friedman | Marriage, Relationships, Love Myths, | The Edit Alaverdyan Podcast #15
Is love really enough to sustain a marriage? Join us as we delve into this provocative question with the esteemed Rabbi Manis Friedman. In this episode, we pull back the curtain on the conventional wisdom that love should be the cornerstone of marriage. Rabbi Friedman explains why this belief might actually harm relationships, leaving many couples feeling isolated and disconnected despite lacking overt conflict. Discover the profound insights he shares on the necessity of deeper commitments beyond just love, and understand the true reasons behind a lifelong partnership.
We also tackle the critical human need for meaningful connections and how isolation can lead to debilitating loneliness and anxiety. Rabbi Friedman challenges the Hollywood myth that love is the ultimate cure-all and highlights the importance of being needed in our relationships to counteract self-centric attitudes. We explore how teaching children that life isn't centered on their desires can prepare them for healthier, more selfless relationships in adulthood. This conversation underscores the significance of meaningful, enriching relationships over mere emotional affection.
Our journey continues as we explore the search for purpose in human life, particularly from a religious perspective. Rabbi Friedman guides us through the transformative shift from self-centered questions to understanding what a creator might want from us, offering a new sense of direction. We delve into the objectification of sex in modern marriages and the resulting lack of true intimacy. Learn how emotional connection and vulnerability can rejuvenate your relationship, and why Rabbi Friedman believes that needing someone in your life is far more fulfilling than simply needing something from them. This episode is a treasure trove of wisdom and practical advice for anyone seeking to enrich their marital relationship.
Love is not just about you. Love is a response to something lovable. You love me even when I'm not lovable. Is that love?
Speaker 2:A lot of men will complain the sex life is awful. I mean, the root cause of disconnections and infidelity is because of sex and needs.
Speaker 1:Parents who keep saying we love you unconditionally, the children, out of desperation, will rebel and become difficult and push you to the wall until you admit that you don't love them.
Speaker 2:What if that woman can't be good one day? What if that woman is tired, she cannot dress herself properly or put makeup on or whatever like clean herself up? What happens to that relationship?
Speaker 1:We got to be really careful with this love business. Hollywood has made love the new God. We worship love like it's. The solution to every problem is more love.
Speaker 2:The answer to a healthy child is love. The child who is misbehaving is a child that comes from a lack of love, but you're saying the opposite.
Speaker 1:Whatever life God gives you is the one he needs from you. You're not a mistake, you're not damaged. This is what he needs from you.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone, thank you for joining me today. Today's episode was something that I've been, an episode that I've been waiting for for a very long time. Today's guest I've been following for many years and I'm sure you guys have too. It is such an honor to present to you Dr Rabbi Manis Friedman. He's somebody incredibly special. Brings in such ancient wisdom.
Speaker 2:Today's topic was marriage. Why are so many marriages failing? Why has divorce decreased within the last 10 years? What's going on in the homes of families? There's so much disconnection, couples disconnecting couples, only wanting, never giving, just taking the expectations.
Speaker 2:His answers and his wisdom really brought a sense of calmness, but also things that I've never, even as a person, thought about. He dropped a few important topics that I think you guys are really going to appreciate, and I know if you guys can apply some of this wisdom in your marriage, there's no way it wouldn't work. I know that I will, and I'm sure that you will too, because it does hold wisdom and meaning, and I know you guys are really going to appreciate this episode. I don't want to keep you too long. I want you to enjoy as Couples with Rabbi Manis Friedman, and thank you for watching. Make sure to subscribe and support the podcast. Rabbi Friedman, thank you so much for joining me today. It is an utmost honor to have you in my studio today, and we're going to talk about something very special and dear to my heart, and that's marriage.
Speaker 1:Good subject.
Speaker 2:Right. I have been following your work for a while now and I'm just so happy that I get to share and learn wisdom from a human being that's doing such wonderful work in the community. Thank you, Of course. In the last few years I've seen a lot of disconnection among couples. As we were talking earlier you had mentioned, couples even that are happily married for years are becoming more disconnected and something's happening. What do you think is happening in the society? Is that something that we can pinpoint?
Speaker 1:I think so. I think so. Well, when you did marriage counseling, when I did marriage counseling for many, many years, you were talking to people who were angry at each other, disappointed in each other, resentful, hateful, and you had to patch it up. Well, that kind of made sense. Yeah, now couples who are not angry, they're not frustrated, they're not disappointed in their marriage and they still feel alone in the world. Now marriage is supposed to take that feeling away.
Speaker 2:This is true.
Speaker 1:And it's the only relationship that does that, because, no matter how close you are with your parents, you're not one with them. At best, you're number three With your children. You're not one with your children. They got to grow up and leave. The only relationship in which you are truly one is a marriage, and if you're happily married and still feel alone, wow, something very fundamental is missing.
Speaker 2:Yes, do you feel that it's easy to get the couples to be fully conscious and aware of these problems?
Speaker 1:Yes, it's not mysterious. Just to be blunt and controversial, the thing that's killing marriages is love.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Love is poison in a marriage, because if you reduce marriage to love, you have destroyed the relationship. Love is not a basis for marriage, not a reason for marriage. Love and marriage don't go together like a horse and carriage.
Speaker 2:That's so true. They don't.
Speaker 1:I can understand where that you marry someone because you love them. Why? Because we love each other. Fine, why are you getting married? Because we love each other. Well, you already love each other without being married. Why are you getting married?
Speaker 2:What else is there?
Speaker 1:Oh, there's the question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because that's the basis of 99.999% of marriages. Now, right.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:It's love.
Speaker 1:And it's terrible. Look, if a man says to a woman I want to marry you for your money, mm-hmm, what is wrong with that?
Speaker 2:In today's society there's a lot of red flags around that People will say it's a red flag. It's a red flag.
Speaker 1:Right and most people say, when I first asked the question well, what's going to happen when the money runs out? Is that the problem? Is that the problem? A man says I want to marry you for your money. Listen to what he's saying. He's saying I just want the money. I know you're not going to give me the money. I'm going to have to marry you to get the money. I know you're not going to give me the money. I'm going to have to marry you to get the money. I'm not marrying you, I'm marrying the money. Right.
Speaker 1:That's why, if the money should run out, there is no relationship. I was never married to you. Right Now why is that any worse than love? I'm marrying you for love. As long as there's love, we're together. If not, I don't need you. I don't want you right who you marry to right.
Speaker 2:is it the person, or is it the person that's giving you the love? Yes, and eventually that runs out too, because how long are you going to stay in that honeymoon phase? That?
Speaker 1:lovey-dovey. Even if it doesn't run out, even when the marriage lasts, you're still alone in the world because no one is married to you.
Speaker 2:They're married for the love.
Speaker 1:They're married to the love.
Speaker 2:To the love.
Speaker 1:We marry each other because we love each other. Two weeks into the marriage, you offer me your opinion. I said whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I didn't marry you for your opinion. Just the love. Let's stick to the love. I don't want to hear your opinion. You have problems, issues, worries. I don't want to hear your opinion. You have problems, issues, worries. I don't want to hear about it. Just the love, remember. Wow.
Speaker 1:So people talk about unconditional love. That is such a joke, because love is the biggest condition of them all. If I love you you're fantastic I stop loving you, you're nothing.
Speaker 2:That makes sense. A few years ago I saw one of your speeches and it was so beautiful. You had talked about how a man marries a woman because she's a good woman, or it was something between those lines. And you said, what if that woman can't be good one day? What if that woman is tired, she's overwhelmed, she cannot dress herself properly or put makeup on or whatever like clean herself up? What happens to that relationship? So this is kind of like the same concept of love, correct? Like what are we really being married for? What are we marrying for?
Speaker 1:And what are we marrying? Look. A man says to me I love everything about my wife. Mm-hmm. I said that's strange. Your wife wants a divorce. Something isn't adding up here. You love everything about your wife. Yes, I said do you love her? He says I love everything about her. I said not about her. Do you love her? He says what does that mean?
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 1:Nobody can define it by the way.
Speaker 2:Love.
Speaker 1:What is her if you take all things away?
Speaker 2:Just a person.
Speaker 1:Oh, just a person right. See, that's not good enough to marry.
Speaker 2:Wow, what is your perspective of a good enough to marry?
Speaker 1:Well, okay. So here's the rules of engagement. Yes, number one you marry because you love marriage, not because you love someone Otherwise, why are you marrying?
Speaker 2:This is true because marriage is a lot of work and it's different and it's not just love.
Speaker 1:It's much bigger and much harder.
Speaker 2:It's much bigger and harder.
Speaker 1:yes, so why are you marrying? Because you love someone. That's so foolish. It doesn't mean. This young couple said we're very much in love, we want to get married. I said you're in love. They said yeah. I said, well then, too late. What do you get married for?
Speaker 2:You're getting married for the love and you already have it. So what are you marrying for? So the beautiful point that you have to love marriage, but people are so afraid of marriage, yet they still get married. Are those marriages prone to fail?
Speaker 1:If we don't know what we're doing, of course they're going to fail. So why do we get married? Take away all things. I don't need anything from you, nothing.
Speaker 2:No expectation.
Speaker 1:I don't need anything from you, nothing, no expectation. I don't need anything, I just need you in my life.
Speaker 2:Yes, I want you in my life, right Beautiful.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think that partnership doesn't really allow you to be alone in the world. It allows you to have a companion, someone to talk to.
Speaker 1:And what's so terrible about being alone in the world? If you're capable.
Speaker 2:If you're capable, are people capable.
Speaker 1:There are men who can fry an egg.
Speaker 2:True, but how long? For how long? For how long Do you think that it's? There are people I've met that are very happy by themselves, and they genuinely like that, but I always wonder we're social beings. Isn't it our nature to belong to a family, or belong to someone and have partnership, or can someone truly be okay by themselves?
Speaker 1:So it really is a purely biblical, spiritual concept. Humanly speaking, we're better off alone.
Speaker 2:Really yeah. So why do you think there's so much anxiety, and depression, people reporting this loneliness? What's your perspective?
Speaker 1:It's in our DNA.
Speaker 2:To complain no.
Speaker 1:It's in our DNA that it is not good to be alone. But that's not the human side of us, that's the godly side. God says it's not good to be alone. Right, your ego says thank you very much, I'd much rather be alone. So we've got this little internal conflict going. But what we need to know is that it is not good to be alone, not practical, not easy. It's practical to be alone and it's easy to be alone. So what's wrong? There's no goodness, there's nothing good in being alone.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I agree.
Speaker 1:Because you can do whatever you want. You don't have to be nice, you don't have to be patient, you don't have to be considerate, you don't have to be respectful. So there's no goodness in being alone, and that's what marriage is for, not just me. That's narcissism, wow. Marriage means the. That's narcissism, wow. Marriage means the opposite of narcissism. Marriage means what Just me Doesn't add up. Just me being me. What's the point? That is the ultimate vulnerability. That is our greatest strength.
Speaker 2:Am I understanding correctly that it's there is no goodness from being alone? Absolutely, but should people learn that first before getting into marriage?
Speaker 1:Children should learn that.
Speaker 2:Children.
Speaker 1:Independent of marriage. Yes, the message that life is not for you. That is the beginning of all decency, goodness, godliness. So here's a way of thinking about it. You do not need love from your husband, you don't.
Speaker 2:How do you?
Speaker 1:You don't need love from your wife, in the same way that you don't need love from your children. If you need love from your children, you are very immature and you need heavy therapy.
Speaker 2:What about feeling needed?
Speaker 1:Ah, the opposite right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, feeling needed.
Speaker 1:So here's how it works. I don't need anyone to love me, because I don't need love. I got love from my mother, it's enough. I'm all grown up, I don't need anyone to love me. But here's the catch I don't need love from my wife, but I need my wife's love.
Speaker 2:Can you explain that you?
Speaker 1:explain that no mother ever said to her children you don't love me, oh, that's okay, you're not the only children in the world. Yes, the neighbor's children love me, so they're, and they're cuter than you. No mother ever says that because a mother doesn't need love. She needs her children's love, which you can't get from anybody else. Right, you need your husband's love. You can't get that from anybody else. Your husband needs your love. So if you don't love him, what is he going to do? Find love with someone else. He doesn't need love. He needs your love. Why? Because you're his wife. So here's how it works. Love is not important. It's a terrible Hollywood myth. The importance of love and pop psychology goes along with it. The solution to every problem is more love, just love everybody.
Speaker 2:Yes, be kind, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. You got to love everyone.
Speaker 1:Love is not important. Those who are important in your life, you ought to love, but love doesn't make them important.
Speaker 2:But love doesn't make them important Like the brother you hate is still more important than the dog you love.
Speaker 1:This is so true, but nobody agrees. Nope Every kid in America says if my brother and dog were both drowning, I would save my dog. Why I love my dog.
Speaker 2:So what you're saying is just the being of the person being there, present, by living. And by living, your breathing is a little bit easier, right? Is the important thing.
Speaker 1:Not easier.
Speaker 2:Better it's. Thing.
Speaker 1:Not easier, better it's good, gooder.
Speaker 2:Gooder. I was going to say gooder, but I'm like, should I say gooder? I was hoping you would say gooder, it is gooder, it is gooder.
Speaker 1:Because it's not good when you're alone.
Speaker 2:No, it certainly isn't.
Speaker 1:In fact, that might be why God created the world.
Speaker 2:True.
Speaker 1:Because there was just him.
Speaker 2:Well, you're going to make me emotional. That's such a beautiful statement. You're so right. I don't think people think about these things.
Speaker 1:That's terrible, that is terrible. It's so fundamental to life. How do you not know these? You say to a child bedtime, it's bedtime, dinner time, got to do your homework. Kid says I don't want to. What do you say? I know you don't want to, but you have to Whatever Right.
Speaker 2:The message to Whatever Right.
Speaker 1:The message is very clear. You do want to, you don't want to. You're in the mood, you're not in the mood. Not everything is about you.
Speaker 2:And that is the problem in today's world.
Speaker 1:That is the but. Yeah, you don't want to go, I know, but it's bedtime.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Weaning a child away from their own ego is raising a child.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:The child knows only himself or herself. Nothing else is significant or important. Mom only exists to feed me. How do you grow up? The subtle message but you want to take this toy home, but it's not yours. But I want it.
Speaker 2:Yes, you want it Very egocentric thinking.
Speaker 1:In other words, there's a bigger world out there than just you. Ultimately, it leads to marriage. Just me, not enough.
Speaker 2:Bleeds into marriage. You're right.
Speaker 1:If you don't have that conviction that just me is not enough, why would you get married?
Speaker 2:And also, as you're talking, my brain is just processing so many of the things you said. But when I'm thinking, I've never heard of a human being say you don't need love. And while I'm processing this, the thing that comes up is how much easier life is when you're not holding on to these things like love and so on and so forth. It just makes you just want to be in that person's presence, just accept them and just enjoy their company. They're alive, they're with you and it's so easy. It's easy.
Speaker 1:They're alive and they're with you. They are you, we. We are a being. It's us.
Speaker 2:No, ego us.
Speaker 1:Not about anything other than just having each other. So imagine we're married and I don't need anything from you. All I want is for you to be in my life Genuinely, but for some reason you're not in my life.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, very absent, yeah.
Speaker 1:What am I missing?
Speaker 2:A lot, Then obviously you're going to be lonely.
Speaker 1:It's a tricky it's a lot, then obviously you're going to be lonely. It's a tricky. It's a tricky. On the one hand. I'm not missing anything. I'm just as good as I ever was without you. I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm capable, I'm successful. I don't need you. On the other hand, without you, I'm nothing.
Speaker 2:I'm nothing. Wow, Rabbi Ferdman. How can we teach couples or the younger generation, how can we teach this type of wisdom? I'm assuming it's from childhood.
Speaker 1:I've been doing this and you know who gets it the best, who understands it the easiest Teenagers.
Speaker 2:Teenagers? Yeah, I believe you they get it.
Speaker 1:I believe you, they're very open, very open they're just ready to either get into trouble or hear the truth.
Speaker 2:Yet they're very misunderstood, but they're very open.
Speaker 1:They see it so clearly. This love business is a trap. It's poison. He loves me. He loves me not. It's terrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I see, I see what you are saying, I see it. So see what you are saying, I see it.
Speaker 1:So I think you mentioned before there's a difference between being needy and being needed. Oh yes, being needy is the beginning of depression. Yes, no matter what it is you need, If you need something, you're getting depressed. If you're needed, you celebrate life.
Speaker 2:Right To be needed is a celebration. I agree.
Speaker 1:And we're told the exact opposite.
Speaker 2:Sometimes yes.
Speaker 1:No one should make any demands of you. Nobody should need you. Then you're becoming a codependent. No one should make any demands of you. Nobody should need you. Then you're becoming a codependent and they're using you, taking advantage of you.
Speaker 2:Right, those are all so different. Those are all so different. Like being needed. Gives you a sense of the goodness, right.
Speaker 1:It gives you a sense of justification, justification. Your existence is justified. Yes, if you're here because you need, it makes no sense. How did I get needy in the first?
Speaker 3:place, and why would I want to be here if all I'm going to do is be needy.
Speaker 1:So when children today are asking why do I have to clean up my room? I didn't ask to be born.
Speaker 2:You hear that a lot.
Speaker 1:It's so good, we're maturing, we're finally getting smart.
Speaker 2:Yes, but the answer to that by some parents is the complete opposite. Instead of understanding the meaning and the wisdom behind that language, it jumps to consequences.
Speaker 1:Oh, we panic. Are you depressed? Are you suicidal, or how dare you? Right, they're not suicidal, they're smart. What is the answer to this really good question? I didn't ask to be born. Why am I here? I didn't ask to be born. Why am I here?
Speaker 1:and you can't blame the parents, because I need you no, you can't blame the parents, because they didn't ask to be born either. So what is this life business? For thousands of years, we took it for granted. Well, you got to live. Let me think about that for a minute. I have to live. Why we don't ask to be born? Because we don't need to. Now, if I don't need to even be born, what do I need?
Speaker 2:Yeah, what do you need right?
Speaker 1:So it used to be. We were all motivated by one powerful drive Don't die, don't die, you're going to die, you're going to die. Oh, that's it. That's what motivated everything. That's why we invented the wheel, that's why we invented farming and plowing and tools, and everything we did is because otherwise you're going to die, is because otherwise you're going to die. Today's kids are waking up saying what is the punchline here? Otherwise, I'm going to die and oh yeah. And what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I hear that a lot. What's the point?
Speaker 1:Yes, and they're not. I mean there are some, of course, that are depressed and miserable about life, but even and they're not. I mean there are some, of course, that are depressed and miserable about life. But even if you're not miserable about life, what's so scary about not having life? See, philosophically it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:Yes, I could see.
Speaker 1:You don't want to die, do you? Oh, no, because if I die then I'll be dead.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, what are you saying? What are you saying, yeah? You have to live because otherwise you won't live, but that's the problem, though, this fear, this paranoia is in a lot of children. It is this what's the point? Mentality I'm going to die anyway and I didn't ask to be born.
Speaker 1:So as long as life is good, fine, and if it's not, I don't need this. It's not paranoia, it's wisdom.
Speaker 2:Wisdom.
Speaker 1:Life needs a purpose.
Speaker 2:Yes, we all need purpose.
Speaker 1:Why what's wrong with just living? You're alive, make the most of it.
Speaker 2:It's so beautiful and simple, but why is it so difficult for us to grasp this wisdom and just live? What do you think is happening? What are we doing wrong as parents? Yeah, I want to learn this. What am I doing wrong as a parent? What is the most important thing for me to teach my child?
Speaker 1:What's the most important thing to teach ourselves?
Speaker 2:Or ourselves.
Speaker 1:yes, If you assume that life is natural, then why are you torturing yourself trying to find a purpose? A tree doesn't ask itself what is my purpose. An animal doesn't ask what is my purpose.
Speaker 2:They just have one.
Speaker 1:You are, you are. What's wrong with that?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Only the human being says no, I need a purpose.
Speaker 2:So complicated.
Speaker 1:So human so complicated and human. That's what makes us human. So here's we're getting a little away from marriage, but here's a definition of a human being. What's a human being? A naked ape?
Speaker 2:no, a smart animal a human being is a human being.
Speaker 1:I don't know the difference between the animal, the vegetable and the mineral. Versus the human being, the mineral is perfectly content being a mineral, the vegetable is perfectly content being a flower and an animal perfectly content being an animal.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, you see these cows grazing in their pasture and they look so content. They're just doing their thing, they have no complexes.
Speaker 2:No, but they're so purposeful.
Speaker 1:They're so instinctively purposeful.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But they have no questions about their own existence.
Speaker 2:No, no complications.
Speaker 1:The human being definition of human being. Human beings are never content to be human. Human beings are never content to be human. I was born human. I'm going to die human. What?
Speaker 2:did I accomplish? Oh yes, and so many people run after this. I have to have this legacy. I have to be someone. I have to find myself how many people do you know Whatever that means.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, whatever that means, but that's the point. A human being needs to accomplish something that wasn't given to him To say I am a human being, not to your credit, you just happen to be human. Now, what did you do? What did you accomplish?
Speaker 1:Human beings need to be something more than human. Yeah, and that's what makes us human and that's why we ask purpose. Purpose, I know I'm human, but what's the purpose? Which boils down to a very simple religious concept. Religion keeps insisting that we are vulnerable, we are weak, we are dependent, we are helpless. God is perfect and needs nothing. We always need. So we got to get down on our knees and beg God to help us. Maybe he will Prayer. It is a morbid, distorted picture. Makes.
Speaker 1:God look very bad. How about the other way around? God created the world. Obviously, he needs something. I didn't ask to be born, hey, I don't need anything. Worst thing, I won't live, I don't care. So now, what do I need? Nothing, nothing yeah. I don't need to eat. Oh, if you don't eat, you'll die. And what's your point? See, dead people never complain. People who are never born are perfectly happy.
Speaker 2:as far as we know, it's interesting.
Speaker 1:We've got it backwards. The creator has a plan and that plan must succeed. I have no plan. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be born. I didn't sign any contracts, I didn't make any oral agreements. How do I end up being responsible to get a job and pay my bills and buy the house? No, Makes no sense. But if I am useful to the creator, which means he created me with a plan, which is the purpose, hey then I'm needed and I'm not needy. Best of both worlds.
Speaker 2:During my journey, my difficult journey, I asked in my prayers what do you want from me? Instead of what do I want. I turned that around and I said, okay, I have immense difficulty, but what do you want from me? And I think that was probably the turning point of my life, because it was easier for me to. I guess I found my purpose by just asking that question. It kind of like naturally guided me there. But many people always go to the what do I want? I want to be this, but I don't know this. Is this right for me? Is this wrong for me? What you are saying is ask the creator what he wants from you. That's the conclusion and that is powerful.
Speaker 1:Excellent. It's a little tricky because you say what is my purpose oh, that's hard not my purpose hard. I don't have a purpose. I wasn't born with a plan in my head what's his purpose for me? Ah yeah that's a real purpose, that that is Because it existed before me. Yeah, there was a purpose for me to be born.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's powerful. But you can't make up a purpose after the fact? Do you feel that, since we're talking about the creator, when in marriages a partner does not really have belief of the creator, is that marriage?
Speaker 1:difficult to save. Yes and no, because awareness of a creator is so easy to get to, it's so natural.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not having an awareness of a creator is unnatural.
Speaker 2:How so? Well, you obviously were created because you weren't here. A creator is unnatural.
Speaker 1:How so? Well, you obviously were created because you weren't here a few years ago. So you can say okay, my parents created me.
Speaker 2:But who created them?
Speaker 1:Who created them and what gives them the ability to create Right? Them the ability to create. Right, so it's so natural to admit that you have a creator.
Speaker 2:Then why are people having a difficult time? Why is there atheism in the world, if it's so natural?
Speaker 1:Because if you reduce God to some guy sitting in heaven doling out reward and punishment and lightning bolts, who wants to believe? That it doesn't ring with truth, it's not ennobling, it's just threatening, intimidating or bribing. So people get this impression, maybe consciously or subconsciously oh, if I do this, god will reward me. Well, if I need to be rewarded, then obviously it's not a necessary thing. Again, it's the same thing. It's like saying I believe in God, I worship God. Why? Because then I'll get to heaven.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That's like the guy who says I'll marry you for your money. Yes. It's an insult to God to say sure, I'll worship you if you'll get me to heaven.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But really I just want to get to heaven and skip you, but no, I can't right, have to worship you. To get to heaven, fine, I'll worship you, but all I want is heaven. That's so nasty, very In a relationship. That's total rejection. And, by the way, parents who tell their children we love you unconditionally.
Speaker 2:Are they causing harm?
Speaker 1:They think that's going to make their children happy. I don't even know what sense it makes. How can you love me unconditionally? Doesn't love mean how you react to me? And sometimes I'm really nasty. What are you loving?
Speaker 2:You right, it goes back to you again, just you.
Speaker 1:But there's something wrong with it, because love is not just about you. Love is a response to something lovable. You love me even when I'm not lovable. Is that love? In other words, can an emotion be unconditional? Can a feeling be unconditional? If it's a response to me, how can you have the same response to me, no matter what I do, you say to a child I love you unconditionally, and the child feels rejected. Oh so I don't matter? So, no matter what I do, it doesn't matter. So I can be the biggest monster and you're going to love me anyway. So you have no idea who I am. You have no idea what I'm going through. Love is blind.
Speaker 2:Love is blind, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, the kid feels that you don't see him and very often, parents who keep saying we love you unconditionally. The children, out of desperation, will rebel and become difficult and push you to the wall until you admit that you don't love them. Feelings can't be unconditional, they're fixations. The beauty of love is that it's fragile. It rises, it falls. I love you today, I don't love you tomorrow. It's exciting. It shouldn't be the same every day. What should be unconditional are facts. Wow, I am your father. Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:Unconditionally Wow. No matter what you do, I am your father.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's powerful.
Speaker 1:I am your mother unconditionally. How unconditionally? Unconditionally. I am your mother even when I hate you. Now, that's unconditional, as it should be, because I'm your mother is a fact that can't change. Emotions must change. They grow, they wane, they rise, yes. So we got to be really careful with this love business. Hollywood has made love the new God.
Speaker 2:We worship love True, like it's. The solution to every problem is more love. That's what a lot of professionals say too, whether it's a priest or a psychologist. They always say the answer to a healthy child is love. The child who is misbehaving is a child that comes from a lack of love, but you're saying the opposite.
Speaker 1:I'm saying it's coming from a very narrow diet of only love.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You can't live on one ingredient.
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:So here's the punchline the future of psychology. When you come to a therapist and you say I need help, the therapist says you don't need anything, Go home, Best therapy in the world. Yes, that's much better than saying, oh, you have many needs Labels. Do you know that you also need to patch up your relationship with your mother? Because she never wanted you?
Speaker 1:Oh, I don't know. And you also know that you're suffering from a terrible jealousy about your brother. Do you know that you were born with trauma? Do you know that you do you know that you were born with trauma? Do you know that you, please, I came here to get rid of needs, not to find more. Yes.
Speaker 1:And then you go to religion for relief and God says your problems don't end when you die. You have needs when you come to heaven too. Okay, this is not working. The only thing that makes any sense at all is you don't have needs, but you are needed.
Speaker 2:Just you, by being you, you are needed.
Speaker 1:If God created you, then you are necessary.
Speaker 2:You are necessary. So what is this? In search of years and years of years trying to find this. What am I good for what am I good? It's crazy, because this is what is putting. I mean, look at everyone nowadays well, not everyone, but majority of people are so sad so look at the extremes, which, which is always helpful- yeah.
Speaker 1:A person who is severely handicapped by birth. Oh, I need to get healthy, I need to function, I need to be able to run and jump and play like everybody else, or maybe not. God created me this way. This is how he needs me. And since it's all about being needed, then whatever I'm needed for, I'm fine. You need me to be an athlete, I'll be an athlete. You need me to be handicapped? Fine. Just tell me what you need.
Speaker 2:So then, this brings to a very controversial topic which I want to dive into, and that goes back to this statement. Let's start off with that. When you said I'm paraphrasing God, you know, creates people who are handicapped from birth, then why do you feel that they're? What can we do Not? Why do you feel? What can we do for parents, mothers who offhand find out pregnancy that their child has something going on, handicapped? How can we prevent that mother from removing the child? I'm talking about abortion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or the sanctity of life, see. Sanctity of life means whatever life God gives you is the one he needs from you. You're not a mistake, you're not damaged.
Speaker 2:This is what he needs from you but a parent might answer this, which I've had. Parents answer this. I don't want to struggle taking care of a handicapped child. It's easier for me and easier for my child for me to have an abortion and remove my child.
Speaker 1:That is so obviously unacceptable.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It's easier for me to prevent this life. Life is sacred. Why is life sacred? Because it's always exactly what God needs from you. That's sacred. Everyone born, no matter how handicapped, has a divine purpose without which this world would not be complete.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Beautifully said.
Speaker 1:We have another minute.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, please.
Speaker 1:Another thing that's killing marriages, in addition to love, is sex. Yes. Sex is destroying the best marriages.
Speaker 2:Pornography, sex, all of that, absolutely Sex has become pornography. Yes.
Speaker 1:In the average home they're practicing pornography, and that is so. Dehumanizing Pornography means objectifying right.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Every intimate relationship between husband and wife has become objectified. It used to be that sex was very intimate. Used to be In the 60s people decided it doesn't have to be so intimate. It's too heavy, too serious. Relax, it's good, healthy, fun. Yeah. Free love, free of commitment, free of attachment, free of intimacy, just recreational. Well, now we're paying the price.
Speaker 2:Yes, we are.
Speaker 1:And just to make it very, very clear if you asked your grandmother or by now probably your great-grandmother what happens in the bedroom, your grandmother would say nothing.
Speaker 2:Well, first she'll slap me for asking that question, depending how old you are, depending, yes, but she will definitely say for asking that question.
Speaker 1:Depending how old you are.
Speaker 2:Depending, yes, but she will definitely say, yeah, nothing, nothing.
Speaker 1:And you say oh, come on, I'm 48. It's time I need to know what goes on in the bedroom. And the grandmother says nothing. That is the correct answer. In the bedroom there should be nothing, no thing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Things are pornography, people are not things. Wow, yeah. So what goes on in the bedroom? What?
Speaker 2:It's just, the who is just them no thing it's not a performance that's so interesting because marriages a lot of men will complain, the sex life is awful. I mean the root cause of disconnections and infidelity is because of sex and needs.
Speaker 1:So if I'm looking for love, I'll go wherever I can find it. If I'm looking for sex, I'll go wherever I can find it. I'll go wherever I can find it. Intimacy is that magical ability that human beings have to get beyond all things. So physical intimacy means two people without anything between them. Wow. How could that not be good?
Speaker 2:Right, the ability of creating life as well.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why it's able to create life. Because, it's so amazing, it is so after a couple have been together, the husband says how was it?
Speaker 2:That's pornography. That's a horrible question to ask your partner but yes, it is, Because there's an it.
Speaker 1:There's an it going on. You're not asking how was it, You're asking how was me?
Speaker 2:Oh wow, Very powerful yeah.
Speaker 1:And why are you asking? You were there. Were you there? No, you were in your universe. Yeah, I was in my universe and we have to find out what happened. That's so impersonal, so disconnecting.
Speaker 2:Very very.
Speaker 1:So turning sex into a performance is killing everything.
Speaker 2:So how do you allow, how do you teach these couples to get to this beautiful marriage, this healthy way of being just with each other?
Speaker 1:So this guy says rather nasty. He says I don't need God to tell me how to have sex, All the laws about modesty and intimacy. He said I don't need God to tell me how to have sex. I said you're right, Birds figure it out, Bees figure it out. I'm sure you can figure it out. But that's if you're right. Birds figure it out, Bees figure it out, I'm sure you can figure it out. But that's if you're looking for sex.
Speaker 1:If you're looking for intimacy, you need a little help, you need a little wisdom, you need a little guidance, you need a little nobility, you need a few rules to follow. Otherwise your intimacy will be reduced to sex, and then it doesn't bring you together, it keeps you apart.
Speaker 2:Sex keeps you apart.
Speaker 1:Intimacy keeps you together. Because you're never so alone, as when you're having sex. So again, are you there to get or are you there to give? Are you needing sex or are you providing a need?
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:It affects everything.
Speaker 2:It does. And in these marriages today, everything is just take, take, take, take, take, take. I mean take, expectation, taking, give me, give me, give me.
Speaker 1:So here's the beautiful thing After having sex, you're slightly reduced In your own eyes, in your partner's eyes after a while it's like no respect whatsoever, no self-respect. Every time you engage in sex, you lose a little of your innocence. Intimacy is the exact opposite. After being intimate, you feel more innocent than before.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because the ability to put all things aside, all things. Wow and just be there. That's the most innocent part of you.
Speaker 2:That is Vulnerable.
Speaker 1:So in a real marriage where there is intimacy, you are never reduced. The longer you're married, the more awesome it is, because the more innocent you become.
Speaker 2:Together, you become more innocent.
Speaker 1:Now it's not easy. It's not easy to get past everything.
Speaker 2:It isn't.
Speaker 1:A lot of people are struggling and if you're not even trying, that's it. It's all over. You're just going to ruin each other because you're using each other.
Speaker 2:That's abuse do you see that a lot in the way that you help couples or couples abusing each other?
Speaker 1:Not violently no. Emotional Just using another human being is abusing, even if they agree, so you're mutually abusing each other. Mm-hmm. But that's so I was saying before if I don't need anything from you, I really don't Not love, not sex, I don't need anything from you, but I need you to be in my life and you're not. What am I missing? This is the beauty of it I'm not missing anything. I'm missing someone, not something. You're missing in my life. Wow.
Speaker 1:And my life is perfect. God is perfect. God is perfect and he creates the world. Why?
Speaker 2:Well, from what I learned from you is because he needed us.
Speaker 1:Which means being perfect is not so perfect.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It is not good to be alone means it's not good to be perfect.
Speaker 2:Perfectionism.
Speaker 1:Perfection is a dead end.
Speaker 2:Very dangerous.
Speaker 1:I mean, if you're perfect, now what?
Speaker 2:What's next?
Speaker 1:Nothing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, in addition to God being perfect, he is also humble. Everything just me can't be, yeah. So what does God want of us? No thing. He wants an intimate relationship, but this is what happens. If we are having an intimate relationship, then I do want your love and I want your time and I want your compliments. I want everything about you, but because it's you, not because it's a thing.
Speaker 2:Right, you, you.
Speaker 1:Like a father who would say about his daughter if you harm a hair on her head, I will kill you. Yes. You say oh, come on, when did hair become so important? Wow, and you say hair is not important.
Speaker 2:The idea behind the hair, then what are?
Speaker 1:you getting upset about Her?
Speaker 2:hair.
Speaker 1:Then what are you? Getting upset about Her hair. Hair is nothing, but if it's her hair, I'll kill you.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I don't need love, but your love, that's everything. My children's love, heaven, it is heaven. Everybody else's love heaven.
Speaker 2:It is heaven.
Speaker 1:Everybody else's love a little burdensome.
Speaker 2:Wow, and that's what makes the beautiful family a beautiful marriage is having that understanding. We have so much to learn Our generation we still have so much to learn Our generation, we still have so much to learn. But we have to be open open to learning this type of wisdom.
Speaker 1:And somebody's got to teach it.
Speaker 2:I'm very happy you are. But people take it for granted. They do?
Speaker 1:You're 18, time to get married. What's marriage? Whatever, it is time to get married. And if you're married, hey, we're the kids. Yeah, it's been. Hey, we're the kids. It's been seven months. You're not pregnant. Come on, what's going on? Why am I having children? We took so much for granted because maybe life was really ideal at some time in our history. Marriages were perfect. There were no divorces. Couples were so devoted to each other.
Speaker 2:It was beautiful. What happened? What happened? We want those years back.
Speaker 1:So I said you know, a couple of generations ago people didn't get divorced, our grandparents didn't get divorced.
Speaker 2:And people say yeah well, they were pretty miserable, Were they? I mean, they knew how to work it out though. Well, they were pretty miserable, were they? I mean, they knew how to work it out though.
Speaker 1:Ah see, here's the difference. They really wanted each other. This is true, not things.
Speaker 2:Each other.
Speaker 1:They wanted each other Powerful, yes, and they disagreed about everything.
Speaker 2:Yes, more disagree. Yes, and they argued and they bick yes, more disagreed. Yes.
Speaker 1:And they argued and they bickered. And you say so why don't you get divorced? Are you crazy?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Not to have each other.
Speaker 2:I did ask my grandma that question. By the way, she said exactly that I couldn't picture my life without your grandfather. She needed him.
Speaker 1:And we switched it. We did. I don't need you anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't need you anymore.
Speaker 1:I don't need you, but I need a lot of things about you, Wow. So we're not going to argue about those things. The argument is why do I need you? That's sad.
Speaker 2:The success I think, in conclusion, it's you have to need your partner, not things that they provide for you, like love and et cetera.
Speaker 1:Nothing about your spouse is more important than your spouse.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's unlocked. It's got a lot of wisdom behind that, but I think we portrayed that pretty well today.
Speaker 1:And the proof of it is if your husband is out of town, you miss him. What do you miss about him? I miss him, yes, oh, so you do know what it means. So you do know what him is beyond all things. Wow, what's sad is the minute he comes home, it becomes about something.
Speaker 2:Yes or an argument.
Speaker 1:Okay, you're here, take out the garbage.
Speaker 2:Take out, do something, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:But we do know what it means Without him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:It's the basics of life and we're neglecting it. Neglect.
Speaker 2:We are, but I think that we I mean you explained it so eloquently. It's so simple to understand your language, the way you portray exactly what it is. I mean you have to be a fool not to understand that it's so simple, meaningful and powerful. I think that's the healing to all marriages and disconnections. If you can just grasp the idea of don't want anything, just him alone is a blessing to have all problems disappear. Thank, you. Thank you Almost.
Speaker 2:But everything else is workable. Everything else is manageable. They're just things, they're Thank you Almost. But everything else is workable, everything else is manageable. They're just things. They're just things. Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate you and I'm so grateful for you and your ancient wisdom. It's very powerful and meaningful, so thank you for joining me today.
Speaker 1:Thank you for making this possible, because lives will change for the better. It really is. It's like life-saving, not just life-changing. Yes. When you're miserable, you're in danger. You shouldn't be miserable.
Speaker 2:Right. No one deserves that.
Speaker 1:Right, we shouldn't have to go to heaven, we should just be in heaven.
Speaker 2:Yes, just be Absolutely Wow, so powerful. Thank you, thank you so much. Hello everyone, thank you for joining me today. Today's episode was something that I've been, an episode that I've been waiting for for a very long time. Today's guest I've been following for many years and I'm sure you guys have too. It is such an honor to present to you Dr Rabbi Manis Friedman. He's somebody incredibly special, brings in such ancient wisdom.
Speaker 2:Today's topic was marriage. Why are so many marriages failing? Why has divorce decreased within the last 10 years? What's going on in the homes of families? There's so much disconnection, couples disconnecting, couples, only wanting, never giving, just taking the expectations. His answers and his wisdom really brought a sense of calmness, but also things that I've never, even as a person, thought about. He dropped a few important topics that I think you guys are really going to appreciate, and I know if you guys can apply some of this wisdom in your marriage, there's no way it wouldn't work. I know that I will, and I'm sure that you will too, because it does hold wisdom and meaning, and I know you guys are really going to appreciate this episode. I don't want to keep you too long. I want you to enjoy as Couples with Rabbi Manis Friedman, and thank you for watching. Make sure to subscribe and support the podcast.